Parasites are threatening to “destroy the human race,” claims the National Examiner, which coincidentally is what this week’s tabloid magazines also appear to have in mind.
Just like the Examiner’s “evil bugs” with “the power to turn us into zombies,” the tabloids try to burrow into our brains with their latest mindless worm-like ravings.
Comedy legend Robin Williams’ death “is now a murder probe” claims the Globe, reporting that the case has been re-opened as “cops probe brutal murder!”
But read the story and you learn that the case has not be reopened by police; it’s merely Globe’s rent-a-quote “investigators” speculating wildly, accompanied by a disturbing photo purporting to show Williams’ corpse with horrific strangulation marks around his neck. This is the same discredited photo which in 2014 was proven not to be Williams after being traced back to a Spanish website specializing in strangulation. But that hasn’t stopped the Globe reprinting the image, even with its own caution: “the authenticity is in question.” No kidding.
Happy marriages simply aren’t allowed in the tabloids’ version of Hollywood. Jennifer Aniston’s marriage is “in crisis” because husband Justin Theroux is away filming in Australia, claims the Globe, and John Travolta’s marriage to Kelly Preston is heading toward a $275 million divorce, claims the Enquirer, which for years has repeatedly floated this story questioning the actor’s sexuality, in the forlorn hope that one day it may be proven right.
“Hillary will never be President!” screams the Enquirer’s cover, accusing her of treason for leaking US intelligence, bribery for accepting a $145 million Russian “payoff” to the Clinton Foundation, and conspiracy for the Benghazi attack. “This means the end of Crooked Hillary,” a source tells the Enquirer, suspiciously echoing Donald Trump’s language to describe her. “You can stick a fork in her. She’s done!”
With such parasitic thoughts worming their way into tabloid-lovers’ brains, what will they make of the Globe’s full-page ad for a “Barack and Michelle Obama Commemorative Tribute” limited edition “heirloom-quality” statuette, nearly 12 inches tall and incredibly life-like: Barack in tuxedo and white tie, Michelle in red off-the-shoulder halter gown, both waving and smiling? Will they use the “hand-cast, hand-painted sculpture” for AR-15 target practice? Search the statuette’s “marble-look” base for a “Made in Kenya” stamp? Use it as a fancy spatula to flip their Trump Steaks on the grill?
“Dolly Parton in Gun Threat Drama!” screams the Enquirer. You’d be forgiven for thinking that the singer was threatened by a gunman – but no. Dolly was nowhere near when her brother opened the door to his Tennessee home with a gun in hand . . . because the Enquirer was knocking on his door. Seems like a reasonable response to me.
Muhammad Ali was a “gentle giant nobody knew,” according to the Enquirer, but to the Globe he led a “shocking double life,” leaving behind “four love children and died a victim of elder abuse.”
North Carolina blonde Pixee Fox has spent $125,000 to look like Jessica Rabbit, including having six ribs removed, liposuction, body sculpting, …read more