Day: June 1, 2018

How To Survive A Broken Heart

I get asked how to survive a broken heart all the time and my response is always the same: piña coladas. This is why I am a relationship expert. I know so much about love that I can change Cupid’s diapers (he poops little peanut butter cups.)

This is a non-gender specific advice. If you’re a woman who has been done wrong, put that pint of ice cream down and pick up a piña colada. If you’re a man who’s been rejected, turn down the heavy metal music you’re playing and turn up the rum, pineapple juice, and coconut milk.

I’m not saying you should go out and drink so much you wake up fully clothed in the bathtub with a slice of pizza stuck to your face. Just simply use a piña colada as an airbag to create the collision a break-up creates. This famous tropical drink can transform the brass knuckles of rejection into marshmallow peeps.

It’s not a cure but a shortcut back to the highway of love.

Did he say “It’s not you, it’s me?” Has he ignored your last 15 texts?

Stop acting like there’s an alien lizard or worm living in your chest and you have minutes to live. This sucks but don’t insult the human heart. Thinking that it can’t take grief is like thinking the sky can’t support the stars. Just do what I tell you to do. Order a piña colada at a bar where there’s a jukebox playing funky tunes- a bar where there are members of the opposite sex so you can do some window shopping.

Touch with your eyelashes. But I seriously encourage chatting, winking, and making out. Every time two human beings kiss, a flower blooms somewhere in the world. Of course, that’s not true, but it’s a nice thought. I have never regretted making out with someone, only not making out.

how to deal a broken heart

It helps to think of your heart as a piece of steel- not chocolate or flesh or crepe paper. A shiny ball of steel which has a breaking point.

But have you ever seen steel forged?

It’s heated in a volcano hot furnace until it glows white. It’s so hot, the hard steel is malleable. Then, it’s hammered and smashed into shape.

Two pieces are clobbered to form one whole piece and then the steel is dumped into the water. Once it’s cool, it becomes extremely hard.

I’ve had my heart broken many, many times. And each time, I ended up stronger. My furnace? A piña colada. Maybe some Patsy Cline, a new friend for that moment.

Normally, as a dude, I don’t drink cocktails. I like my liquor to be liquor-flavored. My favorite beer is in a can. Cocktails seem to be designed to obscure the taste of liquor as if I drink it for the delicious flavor. I drink whiskey because, after a long day, I like my toes to be warm.

Adult beverages should not taste like candy. Cocktails are fundamentally dishonest, booze dressed up like Rainbow Brite. I don’t begrudge a lady who wants to enjoy a fruity drink, like an Appletini, a Chocolatini or Cheesecaketini. I’ll be having a bourbon.

However, I do make one exception to this rule: piña colada. If I get dumped, I shuffle right up to the bar and order a piña colada. Coconut mug? Yes. Umbrellas? Two. Cherries, orange slices, and pineapple chunks skewered on a plastic sword? Please.

Piña coladas taste like the beach. The ocean is just one giant, salty tear.

She cries with you and calms your fever with a frosty wet kiss. A piña colada is a vacation in a blender. It’s a sweet bubble. I have seen cowboys with faces hanging longer than curtains order a piña colada and five minutes later, you can see their hearts melting.

pina colada for a broken heart

All it takes is one. So, do it. If there’s a song coming, sing it. Can’t sing? Everybody can sing. The Power of the Colada compels you! Stomp your feet. Clap your hands. Unleash the Kraken!

You know how they say time heals all wounds? Piña colada can do the same thing. It heals and reinforces them. My heart is made out of airplanes and suspension bridges and ninja swords.

Final Thoughts

I know other relationship writers have tons of advice on this topic. But I’m inclined to think that advice is crap if it doesn’t involve a night where you force yourself to shower, put on pants without elastic waistbands, and venture out into public- actual public and not Facebook.

Facebook is not public. It’s a fun little website where advertisers own your private life and then sell it back to you. Public, as in, inhaling the molecules of other human beings. If your heart is currently broken and you’re of drinking age, then I insist that you enjoy a piña colada. Just drink responsibly and eat the fruit. It’s good for you.

The post How To Survive A Broken Heart appeared first on Dumb Little Man.

‘Black Panther’ trailer wins top honor at the Golden Trailer Awards

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“Wakanda forever” is right.

Marvel smash Black Panther took home $1.3 billion at the global box office, and the top prize at the Golden Trailer Awards.

The trailer titled “Crown,” won Best of Show on Thursday night at the 19th Annual Golden Trailer Awards at the Ace Hotel in Los Angeles. Since 1999, the GTAs have honored the top of the film trailer crop, from blockbusters to independent films, documentaries and everything in between.

“Crown,” created by Walt Disney Studios’ Create Advertising Group, gave us one of our most detailed looks into Wakanda and the Golden City, and offered up plenty of glimpses of T’Challa’s tech-fuelled Black Panther transformation. Read more…

More about Film, Movies, Trailer, Golden Trailer Awards, and Black Panther

Ticketfly’s website is offline after a hacker got into its homepage and database

Following what it calls a “cyber incident,” the event ticket distributor Ticketfly took its homepage offline on Thursday morning. The company left this message on its website, which remains nonfunctional hours later:

Following a series of recent issues with Ticketfly properties, we’ve determined that Ticketfly has been the target of a cyber incident. Out of an abundance of caution, we have taken all Ticketfly systems temporarily offline as we continue to look into the issue. We are working to bring our systems back online as soon as possible. Please check back later.

For information on specific events please check the social media accounts of the presenting venues/promoters to learn more about availability/status of upcoming shows. In many cases, shows are still happening and tickets may be available at the door.

Before Ticketfly regained control of its site, a hacker calling themselves IsHaKdZ hijacked it to display apparent database files along with a Guy Fawkes mask and an email contact.

I sent an email yesterday reporting that the ticketfly website was hacked. All of the user data and site is completely downloadable. They need to come clean on the fact that your data was comprised and still is downloadable at this very moment! #ticketfly #cybercrime #wordpress pic.twitter.com/Ur0AsZpDij

— Michael Villado (@mvillado) May 31, 2018

According to correspondence with Motherboard, the hacker apparently demanded a single bitcoin (worth $7,502, at the time of writing) to divulge the vulnerability that left Ticketfly open to attack. Motherboard reports that it was able to verify the validity of at least six sets of user data listed in the hacked files, which included names, addresses, email addresses and phone numbers of Ticketfly customers, as well as some employees. We’ll update this story as we learn more.

Update: Ticketfly has added an FAQ page on the incident. The company notes that the event “resulted in the compromise of some client and customer information” and is conducting an investigation as it works to get its site back online.