tabloids

Auto Added by WPeMatico

Florida skunk ape is real and “gives out a horrifying odor”: National Examiner

You have to admire the insight, investigative prowess and sheer imagination of the tabloids, which this week are brimming with information that few people on earth could possibly know.

It has been widely reported that a Secret Service agent’s laptop was stolen from her car, containing blueprints of President Trump’s homes. But only the ‘National Enquirer’ has the inside scoop to reveal the culprit behind the theft: “Terrorists steal laptop.”

It’s doubtless the same network of impeccable inside sources that allows the ‘Globe’ to definitively report that a “booze-free” Ben Affleck “packs on 48 lbs,” presumably because they have bugged his bathroom scales and know he hasn’t gained 47 lbs or 49 lbs – it’s exactly 48 lbs. That’s how accurate their information is.

The ‘Globe’ promises veteran actor Michael Caine disclosing: “My Cancer Hell!” And what hell it is! Beneath the headline “Michael Caine, 84, Wrestling Death!” the British star confesses that he tries to eat healthily so that he never gets cancer. Way to wrestle, Michael. “I know my days are numbered,” he says. “I’ll probably drop dead.” And that’s a quote that everyone alive could safely say without fear of contradiction. Great reporting.

“Starsky & Hutch Deathbed Reunion!” screams the ‘Globe’ cover, though the photos of Paul Michael Glaser pushing his former TV co-star David Soul in a wheelchair suggests otherwise. If Glaser was pushing Soul in a Sealy Posturepedic down the street I’d buy the “deathbed reunion,” but last time I checked the fact of being in a wheelchair didn’t mean you had hours left to live.

Antonio Banderas recently admitted suffering a heart attack, and the ‘Enquirer’ reports that he has flown to Switzerland for “life-saving treatment.” Which doesn’t quite explain why he has gone to a clinic known for its cosmetic surgery procedures.

Ellen Degeneres told her TV talk show recently that she drank “two glasses of wine and fell into a door,” dislocating a finger – but that’s enough for the ‘Enquirer’ to brand it a “booze binge” and for the ‘Globe’ to report: “Wino Ellen Needs Rehab Right Now!” You have to look twice to notice the really small print just below the headline, adding the crucial words: “pals fear.” Because that’s what friends are for in Hollywood: telling the tabloids what nightmares could befall their celebrity BFFs.

“Lady killer O.J. Simpson plans to hook up with monster mom Casey Anthony after he’s released from the slammer – because they’re perfect for each other!” reports the ‘Globe,’ in one of those why-didn’t-I-think-of-that ideas that springs up at editorial meetings and seems like a really good idea by the time you get to the bar after work, and doesn’t require a scintilla of evidence to support, because it’s such a great idea. The fact that they’ve never met or spoken is beside the point.

The ‘Globe’ also devotes two pages to Princess Diana’s death, revealing: “Charles Murder Motive Exposed!” The report explains: “Diana had to die so British would accept his marriage to Hussy Camilla!” Because if they had simply divorced, the public would never have sanctioned Charles’ remarrying Camilla Parker-Bowles, it seems to argue. “Divorce wasn’t enough.” Facts? Who needs them? Not the ‘Globe,’ which repeats its old assertion that Diana survived her Paris car crash almost 20 years ago and was killed with a poison injection in the ambulance. It falls back on its well-worn unnamed “royal source.” My guess is it’s the Queen, accepting under-the-table payments of $25 for every story she gives them, since the tabloids reported last year that she was “broke.”

‘Us’ magazine devotes its cover to Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ former bit-player and occasional basketball player Lamar Odom, admitting that everything he put ex-wife Khloé Kardashian through “was my fault.” And possibly the fault of the hookers. And the many other women he slept with. And the drugs. And booze. And his 12 strokes and two heart attacks. “Secrets I’ve never told,” proclaims the cover, though the world has long known all of this, without Odom ever having to say a word. You have to expect that, Lamar, if the ambulance picks you up at a brothel.

At least it’s better than ‘People’ magazine’s feature on TV’s ‘Suits’ actress dating Prince Harry: “Meghan Markle’s Untold Story.” Which amounts to friends saying that “she’s incredibly cool and down-to-earth,” and “is a strong advocate for women and girls.” If that’s the “untold story” (which we’ve heard a dozen times before) please don’t tell us anything more about her.

Fortunately we have ‘Us’ magazine’s intrepid investigative team to tell us that Chrissy Teigen wore it best, rapper Future never eats seafood because “I ain’t down with how it smells,” actress and Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Lisa Rinna carries Alka-Seltzer for the morning-after-the-night-before, Clorox wipes to clean germs from light switches, and a Kabbalah red string in her Gucci bag, and that the stars are just like us: they drink coffee, carry their luggage, bicycle, and walk their dogs. And the paparazzi are there to make sure we don’t miss a moment of it.

The ‘National Examiner’ devotes two pages to a report that the mythical “Florida skunk ape” may be real, after recent video allegedly shows an unidentified animal lurking behind palmetto branches. It was probably a paparazzo, though the ‘Enquirer’ would be certain to identify this as a terrorist, and for the ‘Examiner’ it’s evidence of the “legendary figure who haunts the depths of the state’s perilous bogs and gives out a horrifying odor.”

Hats off to the ‘Examiner’ for its full page under the headline: “Intuition: Do you have it?” If you didn’t see that coming, then you probably don’t.

Onwards and downwards . . .

Powered by WPeMatico

Punctuation inflation has infected the tabloids!

Extraordinary!!!

Exclamation points have over-run the tabloids like Macaques monkeys swarming the streets of New Delhi – and with much the same effect.

Every story on the cover of the ‘Globe’ merits its own angry exclamation point: “Hillary Caught Taking Bribes!” “Barack okayed the shady deal!” “Scandal: Her ties to Russia exposed!” “Now they’ll both go to jail!” “Priscilla Elopes With Tom!” “Now they’re raising Lisa Marie’s twins, 8!” “Travolta secret sex swap!”

The ‘National Enquirer’ is no better: “Prez Trump Tell-All: How I’m Cleaning Up Obama’s Mess!” “Making Medicine Cheap Again!” “25 Million New High Paying Jobs!” “$3 Trillion Economic Jump-Start!” “Jackson’s Diary Proves He Was Murdered!” “Daughter Paris Is Right!”
So many exclamation points! It’s exhausting!

Exclamation marks are intended to emphasize something of major interest, but punctuation inflation has infected the tabloids, so that every story is screaming for attention, and as a result nothing seems shocking any more.

“Judy Garland Was Murdered!” screams the cover to the ‘National Examiner.’ Yawn. “Tom Selleck Secret Medical Crisis!” Okay – he reportedly has arthritis. Shocking. And the exclamation points keep coming: “Warren Beatty Turns 80! Inside His Amazing Life!” “Judge Judy’s $200 million Garage Sale!” “Cruise Ship Murders!”

Virtually every story in this week’s ‘Enquirer’ is cursed with an exclamation point, with only a handful of notable exceptions: the “Ask The Vet” column offering pet advice, the so-dubious-we-don’t-believe-it-for-a-minute headline about country singer Blake Shelton: “Blake Back On The Bottle?” and the photo of Caroline Kennedy in a swimsuit under the headline: “Camelot Comes to the Caribbean,” for which I assume a sub-editor will be fired for failing to add the obligatory exclamation point.

Otherwise, exclamation points are called upon to add urgency and importance to such dubious news stories as: “Caitlyn’s Crushing on Boy George!” “Judge Wapner’s Verdict on Judy: Overpaid!” “Hard Workouts Weaken Sex Drive!” and “Keeping A Cool Head!” (a story about the so-called “International Hair Freezing Contest” at Takhini Hot Springs spa.)

The celebrity glossy magazines are hardly immune to punctuation inflation.

“My Dream Baby!” screams the cover of ‘People’ magazine, reporting on ‘Today’ show host Hoda Kotb’s baby adoption. “Ben & Jen Divorce on Hold!” ‘Us’ magazine offers us “Ali’s Wedding Album!” with the assumption that we all know TV’s former ‘Bachelorette’ Ali Fedotowsky, and are shocked – shocked!! – that she’s finally tied the knot.

The celebrity magazines appear to use exclamation points more as decorative touches than to mark an extraordinary story.

“Life’s a Beach!” screams the ‘People’ headline above a photo of ‘Dancing With The Stars’ alumnus Julianne Hough, who is intriguingly not pictured at a beach or even near a beach, but instead is seen aboard a luxury yacht in Mexico. “Harry And Meghan’s Date!” yells a ‘People’ headline above a blurry long-distance photo of Prince Harry and girlfriend Meghan Markle holding hands in Jamaica. “Brie Larson: She’s Also a Photographer!” Extraordinary – an actress who can take photos too! Whatever next?

‘Us’ magazine seems more enamored of the exclamation point, capping all its photo headlines in its “Hot Pics!” section: “Royal Island Romance!” “”J. Lo Shimmers!” “Olsens Under Cover!” “Taking Paws on the Go!” “A Girlfriends’ Getaway!” “Good Times, for Shore!” “Love’s Afloat for Dev!” “Smooth Political Moves!” “An Emerald Queen B!”

Enough already!

Fortunately, we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ mag to tell us that Kendall Jenner wore it best, Emily Deschanel loses her keys or phone “multiple times a day,” ‘The Catch’ star Sonya Walger carries lip gloss, anti-perspirant and her son’s model toy car in her Mansur Gavriel satchel, and that the stars are just like us: they share snacks, ride bikes, play soccer, and run errands. “Stars: They’re Just Like Us!” proclaims the headline. Because nothing could be more extraordinary than seeing a star eating or playing tennis.

The award for the most appropriate use of an exclamation point this week goes to the ‘Examiner,’ with its headline: “Jet Has A Near Miss – With A UFO!” This supposedly occurred before “hundreds of air show spectators” who saw a jet pass an unidentified object in the sky. A weather balloon? An orbiting satellite? “Nobody knows for sure what exactly the mysterious disk is . . . ” reports the ‘Examiner,’ ” . . . but it could be alien-based.”

Onwards and downwards . . .

Powered by WPeMatico

Alien coffins, Donald Trump, and Herman Munster

What do Charles Manson and O.J. Simpson have in common? Both plan to come back from the dead, according to this week’s fact-challenged tabloids.

Mass killer Manson is “using voodoo to live again and get revenge” claims the ‘Globe.’ Inspired by allegations that Manson has been sticking pins in voodoo dolls of his enemies, the ‘Globe’ alleges that “Manson’s most chilling plan is to use voodoo to turn himself into a zombie, a walking dead man, after his demise, so he could continue taking revenge on the world!”

O.J. Simpson evidently plans a more exulted route to life after incarceration. “Tell them to expect me like they’re expecting Jesus to come back – because I’m coming,” reports the ‘National Enquirer.’

One thing is certain: If both men get to walk the Earth again it won’t be long before Ryan Seacrest Productions combines them for one hell of a reality TV show. Or maybe ‘Lifestyles of the Undead & Famous?’

I really need to tell any tabloid Editors out there: This word “Exclusive” – You keep using that word. It does not mean what you think it means.

Just look at that blurred, fuzzy photo purporting to be Charles Manson in a hospital bed, beneath the headline “Another Enquirer Exclusive – The Photo That No Other Publication In The World Could Get!”

It’s not such a singular sensation when the ‘Globe’ publishes the same photo on its cover, beneath the headline “World Exclusive.”

Or how about the ‘Globe’ offering its “Exclusive Interview & Photos” of actress Shelley Duvall living in what appears to be reduced circumstances on a ranch in Texas? How does that compare with the ‘Enquirer Exclusive” interview and photos of Shelley Duvall at her ranch in Texas?

Does “Exclusive” mean “Everyone has this”? Or is it just another example of Trumpian Newspeak?

Questionable headline of the week comes courtesy of the ‘Globe’: “Jane Fonda Boots Sickly Toy Boy, 74!” If there is ever a statute of limitations on the age limit for describing a lover as a “toy boy,” surely 74 has to be several decades in excess of that mark.

Two competing figurines offered for sale in this week’s ‘Globe’ also present its readers with a quandary. Do they buy the “President Donald Trump Commemorative Tribute” limited-edition figurine unveiled for the first time, “hand-crafted, hand-painted” and seven inches tall depicting a dark-suited Trump raising his right hand in a wave? Or do they opt for the 17-inch sculpted figurine of Herman Munster, dark-suited and waving his right hand – and playing the ‘Munsters’ theme tune at the push of a button? The Munster figurine promises his “sculpted hair” and “ghoulish shade of green” skin, while the Trump figurine offers his unnaturally glowing flesh tones and equally sculpted hair. Herman Munster costs $139.99, while the Trump figurine costs only $49.98 but plays no songs at all. The Trump figurine doesn’t even build a small wall around itself, which may disappoint many fans. I’d love to know which sells best.

“Princess Kate’s Secret Bulimia Battle” might be a better exclusive in the ‘Enquirer’ if they hadn’t reported on her alleged eating disorder so many times before. Singer Kenny Rogers’ “cancer nightmare” revealed in the ‘Globe’ might also seem a little fresher if they hadn’t accompanied the story with a photo Rogers posted on social media explaining that he had cancer back in 2014, when he had skin cancer removed from his face.

The ‘National Examiner’ brings us the oldest story in this week’s tabloids, however – more than 460 years old, to be precise – reporting Nostradamus’s predictions for 2017. The 16th century French physician and tabloid favorite predicted nuclear war, a giant planet approaching Earth, the largest earthquake ever to hit the U.S., the growth of solar power, a truce between Ukraine and Russia, and commercial space travel in orbit around Earth for the year ahead. But good luck finding mention of any of these things if you go searching through anything Nostradamus actually wrote.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ magazine to tell us that Kenya Moore wore it best, Rachel Bilson carries crayons, Q-tips and her son’s Hot Wheels car in her backpack, and that the stars are just like us: they shop for shoes, eat finger foods, and feed parking meters. Riveting revelations, as always.

‘People’ devotes its cover story to America’s “Daughter in Chief,” Ivanka Trump, an incredibly sycophantic piece of pablum that looks at “her gorgeous D.C. home,” her “daily talks with her dad (she speaks her mind!)” and how she plans on “raising kids and working in the White House.” With no hint of irony ‘People’ reports that as one of Trump’s most trusted advisers Ivanka will “push a female-centric agenda.” She tells the mag: “I’m a huge advocate for women and women’s issues, like child care.” Because when issues of abortion rights, equal pay, sex discrimination and a woman’s right to control her own body are at issue, America’s women need a pampered millionairess fighting to make them better care-givers.

The big mystery of the week, however, is posed by the ‘National Examiner,’ which reports that “Ancient Egyptian Tombs Hold Alien Coffins!” Two dozen large granite boxes, carved to a degree of precision that suggests alien manufacture to any self-respecting tabloid reporter, are thought by Egyptologists to be the intended last resting place for mummified bulls. But “UFO theorists,” who I suspect are a lot more fun at parties than Egyptologists, “say the boxes may have been intended to hold the remains of the aliens who directed their construction, but that the aliens left Earth before they died.”

I’d be much more impressed if they opened these ancient granite sarcophagi and found a Trump figurine inside one, and a musical Herman Munster figurine inside another. Nostradamus probably saw that coming a mile away.

Onwards and downwards . . .

Powered by WPeMatico

“Crooked Hillary will die in jail!” and other tabloid stunners

You pays your money and you takes your choice with this week’s tabloids.

“Crooked Hillary Will Die in Jail!” screams the ‘Globe’ cover, with a two-page exclusive inside predicting “Hillary’s Prison Death Sentence!” You have to admire the Photoshopped picture of an ashen-faced Hillary, dark bags around her eyes, care-worn face furrowed with wrinkles, clad in an orange jumpsuit behind  grey metal prison bars. It’s harder to be impressed by the “new evidence that will put her away!” which supposedly will be supplied by former president Bill Clinton when he testifies before the Eastern District of New York grand jury investigating the Clinton Foundation — testimony which he may never give. And that “death sentence”? That’s simply the ‘Globe’ anticipating that “Bill’s testimony sends her away for 20 years,” and with her “killer medical ailments, even a 10-year stretch would be a death sentence.”

But if you believe the ‘National Enquirer’ — and who wouldn’t? — the future looks rosy for Hillary Clinton, who it forecasts could be the next Mayor of New York City. It “Could Happen” assures the ‘Enquirer,’ which calls her mayoral election “easy pickings.”

Singer George Michael “turned to booze and drugs” after his voice was “destroyed” by pneumonia in 2011, leading to his tragic demise, reports the ‘Globe.’

Or you can believe the ‘Enquirer,’ which insists: “Blackmail Demands Drove George To Suicide!” Supposedly Michael was “driven to suicide by sinister blackmail threats from a train of male lovers in his life.” It’s a typically homophobic allegation that makes little sense for a man who was openly and proudly gay, and had little to fear from exposure.

How about J. Lo’s blossoming romance with hip-hop star Drake? “Wedding Bells for J Lo & Drake!” predicts the giddy ‘Globe,’ whose unnamed source says of their passion: “It’s for real — and it’s only getting stronger!”  Or if you prefer, believe the ‘Enquirer’ which has unnamed “pals” wanting J Lo that she is “Courting Danger With Drake!” As one “source close to the singer” opines: “Drake is the poster boy for problems she really doesn’t need.”

At least the tabloids can agree on one thing: the universe is dangerous, and it’s out to get us. “E.T. Is Calling! But top scientists warn us: Don’t Answer The Phone!” reports the ‘Globe.’ Evidently “astronomy experts” have warned: “Earthlings need to brace for a bloody invasion and start laying low.” How this failed to make the front page is beyond me. Did “Crooked Hillary” and Dolly Parton’s “Secret Family Shame” really seem more important than an alien invasion of Earth? Evidently. Meanwhile the ‘National Examiner’ warns of the “Universe’s Deadly Forces Set To Attack!” Watch out for dying white dwarf stars tearing apart nearby planets, rogue planets careening like pinballs through the cosmos, gamma-ray explosions that could cause mass extinctions, fast-moving black holes and destructive solar flares.

So after so much science, the tabloids feel the need to give us our regular dose of fact-challenged news too. Why are so few celebrities booked to appear at Donald Trump’s presidential inaugural celebrations? Not because the stars have shunned him, but because Trump reportedly turned down offers to appear by Bruce Springsteen, Elton John, the Dixie Chicks, Billy Joel, the Beach Boys, Blake Shelton,Gwen Stefani, John Legend, Ice-T and Celine Dion. Well, that’s one explanation for their absence.

“William & Kate Unfit to Rule!” proclaims the ‘Globe,’ allegedly reporting the sentiments of Prince Charles’ wife, Camilla. Firstly, let me point out yet again that Prince Charles is next in line to the throne, and William won’t “rule” until after Charles has died. But why does Camilla reportedly believe her nephew is unsuited to the throne? Because William’s children, George and Charlotte, are being taught Spanish by their nanny, and allegedly “speak Spanish better than English.” Even if this were true, having bilingual children should be a point of pride, not shame. And considering that George is all of three years old and Charlotte is aged only one, their vocabulary in any language is likely to be limited to the level of a seasoned ‘Globe’ reporter.

“Mark Harmon Heart Attack Horror!” reads a ‘Globe’ headline above photos of the NCIS actor looking spry and healthy. Evidently his father died of a heart attack at the age of 70 in 1990, therefore “pals fear” that 65-year-old Harmon “could be on his last legs!” Because that’s what pals are for in the world of the tabloids: living in fear for your life.

“Emma & Ryan Bonkin’??” asks the subtle, sophisticated ‘Enquirer’ of actors Ryan Reynolds and Emma Stone, who have co-starred in three movies, most recently ‘La La Land.’ “Secret Lay of La La Land!” adds the incredibly witty headline. Well, did they? No, reports the ‘Enquirer,’ resorting to what they assume is gossip-land argot: “Our delectable duo nevah, EVAH bonked in real life!” In other words, there’s no story, just a salacious and misleading headline. Classy. No wonder Trump loves the ‘Enquirer,’ saying that the tabloid “should be very respected,” and deserves “Pulitzer Prizes for their reporting.”

But has the Trump-loving ‘Enquirer’ become the official mouthpiece for the incoming administration? This week the rag predicts a “Secret Trump-Putin Summit’ within 45 days of The Donald taking office. Let’s see if they’re right. If so, the ‘Enquirer’ will have a source inside the Trump White House — perhaps Trump himself? — that any news organization would envy. If it’s true.

It’s a shame that this week’s tabloids were published just hours too soon to include the as-yet-unsubstantiated “golden shower” and Russian hooker allegations against Donald Trump — though the ‘Enquirer’ would probably call them part of a a Hillary Clinton conspiracy. Uncorroborated allegations are the stock-in-trade of the tabloids, but where Trump’s concerned they’re all lies.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ magazine to tell us that Kendall Jenner wore it best, actor Charlie Weber “can’t start my day without an espresso,” that actress Archie Panjabi carries a mini-flashlight, coconut oil and dog treats in her Tumi tote bag, and that the stars are just like us: they buy veggies, shop in fashion boutiques, eat desserts and take selfies on the beach, all of which make me feel that I’m more like Meryl Streep than Donald Trump, who I’m guessing never takes beach selfies or shops for veggies.

‘Us’ brings us the “secret pasts” of TV’s ‘Bachelor’ show contestants, promising “the truth about Nick’s women” — “sex obsessed, fame hungry, ready to play dirty.” But doesn’t that describe everyone on reality TV these days?

‘People’ magazine devotes its cover to Oprah Winfrey’s revelation: “How I lost 42 lbs!” which would be all the more impressive if she hadn’t lost the same 42 lbs at least a dozen times before. “I finally made peace with food,” says Oprah, which is good, because it’s no fun being at war with your food. Let’s remember: Molotov cocktails were invented in retaliation to “Molotov bread baskets” which rained death and destruction over Finland during the Winter War of 1939 – 1940. Hopefully Donald Trump can negotiate a peace deal with Beef Strogonoff, and we can finally have peace in our thyme.

Onwards and downwards . . .

Powered by WPeMatico