This story is absolutely true. It happened in about 1991, when I lived in Southern California. Two buddies were over: Rick (a network engineer for a large imported car company) and Steve (a young enlisted man in the U.S. Air Force).
A good friend of mine is a mail carrier, and he’s about to retire. He is a very intelligent guy, and not afraid to speak his mind — especially when his retirement date is near enough that it would take longer than that to fire him….
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When I was born, I was BLACK.
When I grew up, I was BLACK.
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK.
A little poem. (A lot of women will be sending the URL for this page around to friends….)
So I landed my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter (a good way to pass some time and get a few bucks for retirees like me).
My job lasted less than a day.
This is a particularly literary joke. Some will absolutely love it, and pretty much everyone else will hate it.
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The new commander in Iraq hears that a Scottish regiment has a specialized field hospital that’s doing fantastic things with the troops. He wants to know what is so special about the place, so he arranges a tour.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing, Mister! You’re just like Frank.”
A joke for every state in the union — Part 3 of 5.
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Lewis Black on Boston traffic: “The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, ‘The British are coming! The British are coming!'”
A joke for every state in the union — Part 2 of 5.
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Hawaii’s joke is they keep raising the prices, and the tourists still come — and none of the actual natives get a penny of benefit.
A joke for every state in the union — Part 1 of 5.
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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Alabama State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Bill and Gary are in a bar one evening. “I’ll bet you a dollar,” Bill says, “that if you give me two dollars I’ll give you three dollars.”
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
They say that doing some walking can add 5 minutes to your life for every day you do it. This can enable you, at 85 years old, to spend an up to an additional eight months in a nursing home at $11,000 per month.
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out the front door, stepping around empty beer and liquor bottles.
From a buddy on the east coast, who will probably have to sleep in the back yard from now on….
A father walks into a market followed by his 10-year-old son. The kid is flipping a quarter into the air and catching it between his teeth.
I heard my wife crying in the bathroom. “Honey? What’s wrong” I asked.
“Oh, George! Just look at me: I’m getting so old! I have more gray in my hair than blonde, I have varicose veins on both of my legs, and I’m just fat and wrinkled all over! I really need someone to say something positive about me right now!”
I looked deeply into her eyes and said softly: “Your vision’s real good, honey. That’s something, isn’t it?”
And that’s when the fight started….
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
Three professors — a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician — are at a department head meeting when a fire breaks out in a wastebasket.
John and Hy were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men’s game.
“Don’t they know they’re supposed to let us play through?” John asked.
How so? Well, consider:
A lot of sites and publications will be running crazy stories as true to try to trick you today.
Instead, we celebrate the absolute best April Fools jokes of the past, executed by absolute experts. Don’t try this at home.
You know, this isn’t all that far fetched these days….
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Attendant: Welcome aboard U.S. Airways, sir. May I see your ticket?
Attendant: You’re in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
The last (for now) in the golfing series — this one from my brother….
A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
Warning: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.
Handle With Extreme Care: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.
General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers — but imagine if they did….
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become not just a writer, but a great writer.
For once, an item that doesn’t insist “These are really true!” …yet they probably are.
Idiot Sighting: The hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large enough” motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, “No, it’s not. Four is larger than two.” We haven’t used Sears repair since.
This is an actual inquiry sent to the Montrose (Colorado) Enterprise newspaper — and published there on June 5, 1906:
Another goodie — from my mother.
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The photographer for a large national newspaper was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
A new report shows that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising health benefits.
Worried that you just can’t get anything done? Anyone can accomplish this. Imagine your satisfaction as you check off four things on your To-Do List in just one day!
After Mrs. O’Toole’s barn burned down, she called her insurance agent to file a claim.
There has been discussion on an entrepreneur’s group e-mail list I’m on about hiring practices — one of the members just laid his staff off, another (in a different part of the country) is hiring like mad.
And in the middle of it all, this joke came into my mailbox:
My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside — I just finished cleaning!”
My mother taught me religion: “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about time travel: “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
This one from my files is so old, it was a Xerox of a “poster” and I had to type it in!
It goes nicely with the previous entry. 🙂
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer:
In Prison: You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell.
At Work: You spend most of your time in an 6X6 cubicle.
In Prison: You get three meals a day free of charge.
At Work: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news.
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” The Lord told him.
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The previous item reminded me of a true story: the first time I “swore” in front of a parent. In my case, it was my dad.
A 6-year-old and 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
“You know what?” says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.”
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
A couple from Texas were taking a cross country drive, taking in sites they couldn’t get back home.
This is about as deep as my humor files get. I wrote this and submitted it to Playboy on March 3, 1989 — almost 26 years ago!? — after reading an article that said a medical clinic had won a court fight over charging for their services by credit card.
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Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.