The Sorcerers' Crossing: Chapter 14.

The Sorcerers' Crossing - A Woman's Journey ©1992 by Taisha Abelar.

Chapter 14

Weeks went by, then months.

I did not really pay attention to dates or the passage of time.

Clara, Manfred and I lived in perfect harmony.

Clara had ceased to insult me, or perhaps it was that I had ceased to feel insulted.

I spent all my time recapitulating and practicing kung fu with Clara and with Manfred who, at one hundred pounds of bone and muscle, was a mighty dangerous opponent.

I was certain that to be rammed with his head was equivalent to being punched by a prize fighter.

The one thing that worried me was a contradiction I found difficult to resolve.

While Clara maintained that my energy was unmistakably on the rise because I could now have conversations with Manfred, I believed the opposite was true; that I was slowly going over the deep end.

Whenever Manfred and I were alone, a bond of indescribable affection would possess me.

I actually adored him, and it was this blind feeling of love that created a bridge between us so he could, at times, transmit his thoughts and moods to me.

I knew Manfred's feelings were simple and direct like a child's.

He experienced happiness, discomfort, pride in any accomplishment, and fear of everything; which instantly turned to wrath.

But the traits that I found most admirable in him were his courage and his capacity for compassion.

I sensed that he actually felt sorry for Clara for looking like a toad.

With respect to courage, Manfred was unique. His was the courage of an evolved consciousness aware of his imprisonment.

To me, Manfred was alone beyond comprehension, and no one can face that imposed solitude the way he did without possessing peerless courage.

One afternoon, upon returning from the cave, I sat down to rest under the shade of the zapote tree.

Manfred came to me, lay across my legs, and fell instantly asleep.

Listening to his snoring and feeling his warm weight in my lap made me drowsy.

I must have fallen asleep, because I suddenly woke up from a dream in which I was arguing with my mother over the advantages of not putting the silverware away after washing them.

Mr. Abelar was staring at me with fierce, cold eyes.

His gaze, the posture of his body, his extremely defined features, and his concentration gave me the total impression that he was an eagle. He imbued me with awe and fear.

The temperature and the light had changed. Twilight shadows had fallen over the patio and it was almost dark.

I asked, "What happened?"

Mr. Abelar said with a broad smile, "What has happened is that Manfred got hold of you, and is using your energy like a fiend. He did the same with me.

"There seems to be a genuine rapport between you two. Try calling him 'sapito' and let us see if he gets angry."

"No. I can not do that," I said, running my fingers on Manfred's head. "He is beautiful and solitary and in no way does he resemble a t-o-a-d."

I found it absurd that I had actually spelled the word, but something in me did not want to risk offending Manfred.

"Toads are also beautiful and solitary," Mr. Abelar said with a glint.

Spurred by a sudden curiosity, I leaned over to Manfred and with only the best of feelings I whispered in his ear, "Sapito."

Manfred yawned as if bored with my empathy.

Mr. Abelar laughed and said, "Let us go into the house before Manfred saps all your energy. Besides, it is warmer there."

I pushed Manfred off my lap, and followed Mr. Abelar inside the house.

I sat down very formally in the living room, acutely self-conscious at being alone with a man in a dark, empty house.

Mr. Abelar lit the gasoline lantern, then sat on the sofa a respectable distance away, and said, "I understand you wanted to ask me some questions. Now is a good time, so go ahead and ask them."

For an instant my mind went blank. Being confronted so directly with his intense stare made me lose my composure.

Finally, I asked, "What happened to me the night I met you, Mr. Abelar? Clara felt she could not explain it to me adequately, and I do not remember much about it."

He said, matter-of-factly, "Your double took over, and you lost control of your everyday self."

I asked, worried, "What do you mean, I lost control? Did I do anything I should not have?"

"Nothing that you could not tell your mother about," he chuckled.

His eyes sparkled and were full of mischief as he said, "Seriously, Taisha, all you did was to cast your luminous net as far as you were able to.

"You learned how to rest on that invisible hammock that is actually a part of you.

"Someday, as you become more adept, you may begin to use its lines to move and alter things."

I asked, "Is the double inside or outside the physical body? That night, it seemed to me that, for a moment, something clearly outside of myself had taken over."

"It is both," Mr. Abelar said. "It is inside and outside the physical body at the same time.

"How can I put it? In order to command it, the part of it that is outside floating freely has to be linked to the energy that is housed inside the physical body.

"The external force is beckoned and held by an unwavering concentration, while the internal energy is released by opening some mysterious gates in and around the body.

"When the two sides merge, the force that is produced allows one to perform inconceivable feats."

I was incapable of meeting his gaze directly as I asked, "Where are those mysterious gates you are talking about?"

Mr. Abelar replied, "Some are close to the skin, while others are deep inside the body.

"There are seven main gates. When they are closed, our inner energy remains locked within the physical body.

"The presence of the double inside us is so subtle that we can go through our entire lives without ever knowing that it is there.

"However, if one is going to release it, the gates must be opened and this is done through the recapitulation and the breathing exercises Clara showed you."

Mr. Abelar promised that he himself would guide me to deliberately open the first gate after I had successfully accomplished the abstract flight.

He emphasized that in order to open the gates, a complete change of attitude is necessary. Our preconceived notion that we are solid is what keeps the double imprisoned rather than any physical structure of the body itself.

"Could you not describe to me where the gates are so I can open them myself?"

He looked at me, shook his head, and warned, "To tamper haphazardly with the power behind the gates is foolish and dangerous.

"The double must be released gradually; harmoniously.

"A prerequisite, however, is that one remains celibate."

I asked, "Why is celibacy important?"

"Did Clara not tell you about the luminous worms a man leaves inside a woman's body?"

"Yes," I said, ill at ease and embarrassed. "But I must confess I did not really believe her."

"That was a mistake," he said, annoyed. "For without a thorough recapitulation first, you would literally be opening a can of worms. And to have sex would only be adding more fuel to the fire."

Mr. Abelar laughed heartily making me feel ridiculous.

He said, "Seriously, though, storing sexual energy is the first step in the journey toward the ethereal body; the journey into awareness and total freedom."

Just then, Clara entered the living room wearing a white flowing kaftan that made her look like a huge toad.

I began to snicker for thinking such a disrespectful thought, and immediately glanced over at Mr. Abelar, who I could have sworn was thinking the same thing.

Clara sat down on the armchair and smiled at the two of us sitting awkwardly on the couch.

She asked Mr. Abelar curiously, "Have you gotten to the subject of the gates yet? Is that why Taisha is pressing her legs together so tightly?"

Mr. Abelar nodded in utter seriousness. "I was just about to tell her that an enormous gate is in the sexual organs. But I do not think she will understand what I am talking about. She still has quite a few misconceptions in that department."

Simultaneously, they both broke out in such peals of laughter that I felt utterly disconnected.

I resented being laughed at and talked about as if I were not in the room.

I was about to tell them that they did not understand me at all, when Clara spoke again; this time addressing me.

She asked, "Do you understand why we are recommending that you remain celibate?"

I repeated Mr. Abelar's words, saying, "To journey to freedom."

I boldly asked Clara if she and Mr. Abelar were celibate, or if they were just recommending behavior they were not prepared to practice themselves.

Clara, not the least bit perturbed, replied, "I told you we are not man and wife. We are sorcerers interested in power; in gathering energy, not losing it."

I turned to Mr. Abelar and asked him if he really was a sorcerer and what that entailed.

He did not answer me, but looked at Clara as if he were asking her permission to divulge something.

Clara nodded her almost imperceptible assent.

Mr. Abelar said, "I do not feel at ease with the word 'sorcerer,' because it connotes beliefs and actions that are not part of what we do."

"What exactly do you do?", I asked. "Clara said only you could tell me."

Mr. Abelar straightened his back and gave me a frightening look that jolted me to attention.

He began formally, "We are a group consisting of sixteen people, myself included, and the being Manfred. Ten of the people are women.

"All of us do the same thing. We have dedicated our lives to developing our double.

"We use our ethereal bodies and defy many of the natural laws of the physical world.

"Now, if that is being a sorcerer, then all of us are sorcerers. If not, then we are not. Does that make things any clearer?"

I asked, "Since you are teaching me about the double, am I going to be a sorceress too?"

He scanned me curiously. and replied, "I do not know,"

"It will all depend on you. It is always up to us individually to fulfill or to nub our fate."

I asked, "But Clara said everyone in this house has a purpose for being here. Why was I selected? Why me in particular?"

"That is a very difficult question to answer," Mr. Abelar said, smiling. "Let us say that we are compelled to include you.

"Do you remember that night, about five years ago, when you were caught in a compromising situation with a young man?"

I immediately began to sneeze. This was my usual reaction when I felt threatened.

During my recapitulating I had remembered time and again being in compromising situations.

Since I was fourteen, I had been obsessed with boys, and had aggressively run after them, as I had run after my brothers as a child.

I wanted desperately to be loved by anyone because I knew my family did not like me.

But I always ended up scaring off my would-be suitors before they could get too close.

My aggressiveness made everyone think I was a loose woman; capable of anything.

Consequently, I had the worst reputation imaginable in spite of the fact that I had not done even half of the things my friends and family attributed to me.

I heard Mr. Abelar say, "You were caught on the food counter where you worked in the concession stand of a drive-in theater in California. Remember?"

How could I possibly not remember? That was by far one of the worst experiences of my life.

And because it was so sensitive, I had put off recapitulating it deeply; always skirting its fringes.

I had at that time a high school summer job selling hot dogs and soft drinks in a drive-in theater.

Near the end of the summer, Kenny, the young man who managed the concession stand, told me that he loved me.

Up to that moment, I had been indifferent to him because I had my eye on the boss, who was handsome and rich.

Unfortunately, the boss was interested in Rita, my red-headed nemesis, who was nineteen and gorgeous.

Every night soon after the movie began, she would slip into the boss's office and lock the door.

When she emerged just before intermission, her pink and white checkered uniform was wrinkled and her hair was limp and tangled.

I acutely envied Rita for all the attention she was getting.

What made it even worse was her promotion to running the cash register, while I had to continue passing out popcorn and serving soft drinks at the counter.

When Kenny told me that I was beautiful and desirable, I began to think of him in a different light.

I overlooked the fact that he had severe acne, drank beer by the gallon, listened to country music, wore boots, and spoke with a heavy Texan drawl.

All of a sudden I found him manly and affectionate, and all I cared to know about him was that his parents were Catholic and did not know that he smoked marijuana.

I was beginning to fall in love with him, and I did not want his personal details to stand in the way.

Kenny became incensed when I told him that I had to quit working at the end of the week because my family was leaving for a holiday in Germany, and I had to go with them.

He said my parents were deliberately trying to separate us.

He took my hand and swore that he could not live without me. He proposed marriage, but I was not quite sixteen so I told him that we would have to wait.

He embraced me passionately and said that the least we could do was to have sex.

I did not know if he meant sometime before I left for Germany or right then, but I thoroughly agreed with him, and I opted for right then.

We had about twenty minutes until the show broke, so I moved the rest of the buns from the worktable and began taking off my clothes.

He was frightened. He shook like a little boy, although he was twenty-two.

We hugged and kissed, but before anything else could happen, we were interrupted by an old man who burst into the room.

Upon seeing us in such a compromising situation, the old man grabbed a broom and hit me on the back with the straw side.

The old man chased me half-naked into the foyer in full view of the people who had lined up at the snack shop. They laughed and jeered at me.

The worst part was that I recognized two of my teachers from school. They were as shocked to see me as I was to see them.

One of my teachers reported the incident to the principal, who in turn informed my parents.

By the time everyone finished gossiping, I was the laughingstock of the school.

For years afterward, I hated that horrid old man who took it upon himself to be my moral judge.

I thought he had actually ruined my life because I was never allowed to see Kenny again.

Mr. Abelar, as if he had been following my thoughts, said, "I was that man."

At that moment, the full impact of remembering my public humiliation struck me.

To have the person responsible for it in front of me was more than I could bear.

I began to weep out of sheer frustration.

The worst part was, that Mr. Abelar did not seem at all sorry for what he had done.

Mr. Abelar said, grinning slyly, "I have been looking after you ever since that night,".

I read all kinds of kinky sexual nuances into his look and words. My heart was about to explode out of wrath and fear.

I knew then that Clara had brought me to Mexico for sinister reasons, centering on some secret scheme the two of them had been hatching from the start that included plenty of aberrant sex. I did not believe their claim of celibacy; not for an instant.

My voice cracked with fear as I asked, "What do you intend to do to me?"

Clara looked at me puzzled, and then began to laugh as if she had just understood all that had been going through my mind.

Mr. Abelar imitated my cracked voice as he asked Clara the same question, "What do you intend to do to me?"

Then his booming laughter joined Clara's to reverberate throughout the house.

I heard Manfred's howls from his room. It sounded like he too was laughing.

I was more than miserable. I was devastated.

I got up to leave, but Mr. Abelar pushed me back onto the couch.

He said seriously, "Shame and self-importance make terrible companions.

"You have not recapitulated that incident or you would not be in such a state now."

Then he softened his fierce stare to an almost kind look.

He added, "There is nothing Clara and I want to do to you. You have done more than enough yourself.

"That night, I was looking for the rest room and opened a door for employees only.

Since a nagual never makes such a careless mistake because he is always aware of what he does, I had to assume that I was fated to find you, and that you had a special significance for me.

"Seeing you there half naked, about to give yourself to a weak man who might have destroyed your life, I acted in a very specific manner, and hit you with the broom."

I yelled, "What you did was to make me the laughingstock of my family and friends."

Mr. Abelar said, "Perhaps. But, I also grabbed your ethereal body and tied an energy line around it."

"From that day on, I have always known where you were.

"Yet it has taken me five years to get you in a position where you would listen to what I have to say."

For the first time, what he was saying registered.

I stared at him incredulously, and asked, "You mean you have known where I was all the time?"

He said, "Definitely. I have been tracking your every move."

The implications of what he was saying were slowly rising to the surface of my mind, and I said, "You mean you have been spying on me."

He admitted, "Yes, in a manner of speaking."

"Did Clara also know I lived in Arizona?"

"Naturally. We all knew where you were."

I gasped, "Then, it was not by accident that Clara found me in the desert that day."

I turned to Clara, furious. "You knew I would be there, did you not?"

Clara nodded, saying, "I admit it. You went there so regularly it was not hard to follow you."

I shouted, "But you told me that you just happened to be there. You lied to me. You tricked me into coming to Mexico with you. And you have been lying to me ever since, laughing behind my back for God only knows what reason."

All my doubts and suspicions that had not had expression for months finally surfaced and exploded.

I yelled, "This has been nothing but a joke to you to see how stupid and gullible I am."

Mr. Abelar gave me a ferocious look, but that did not stop me from staring right back at him.

He tapped me on the top of my head to quiet me, and he said sternly, "You are deadly wrong, young lady. All this has not been a joke to us.

"It is true we laugh a great deal at your idiocies, but none of our actions are lies or tricks.

"They are utterly serious. In fact, they are a matter of life or death to us."

He was so earnest and looked so commanding that the bulk of my anger dissipated, leaving in its place a hopeless bewilderment.

I looked at Mr. Abelar, and asked, "What did Clara want with me?"

He explained, "I entrusted Clara with the most delicate mission of bringing you home, and she succeeded.

"You followed her, obeying your own inner drive.

"It was extremely difficult to get you to accept an invitation from anyone, but from a total stranger, it was nearly impossible.

"But she did it. Hers was a masterful stroke! I have only praise and admiration for a job well done."

Clara jumped up to her feet, and took a graceful bow.

She assumed a solemn expression as she sat down again, and said, "Leaving all joking aside, the nagual is right. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.

"For a while there, I thought you were going to let your suspicious nature get the better of you, and tell me to get lost. I even had to lie and tell you that I have a secret Buddhist name."

"You do not have one?"

"No, I do not. My desire for freedom has burned every secret in me."

I looked at Mr. Abelar, and said, "But I am still not clear as to how Clara knew where to find me. How did she know I was in Arizona at that particular time?"

Mr. Abelar replied, as if it were the most obvious thing, "By means of your double."

The instant he said that, my mind cleared and I understood exactly what he meant. In fact, I knew it was the only possible way they could have kept track of me.

He explained, "I tied an energy line to your ethereal body the night I burst in on you."

"Since the double is composed of pure energy, it is not that difficult to mark it.

"I had felt that, given the circumstances of our meeting, it was the least I could do for you as a form of protection."

He looked at me, waiting for me to ask a question.

But my mind was too busy trying to remember more details of what had happened that night when he had run into the room.

Mr. Abelar gazed at me intently, and asked, "Are you not going to ask me how I marked you?"

My ears popped. The room became energized and everything fell into place. I did not have to ask Mr. Abelar how he had done it. I already knew.

I exclaimed, "You marked me when you hit me with the broom!"

It was perfectly clear to me. But when I thought about it, it made no sense whatsoever, for that did not explain anything.

Mr. Abelar nodded, pleased that I had arrived at that realization myself.

He said, "That is right. I marked you when I struck your upper back with the broom as I chased you out the door.

"I left a particular energy inside you. And this energy has been lodged in you ever since that night."

Clara came over, scrutinized me, and said, "Have you not noticed, Taisha, that your left shoulder is higher than the right?"

I had been aware that one of my shoulder blades protruded more than the other, causing my neck and shoulders to be tense.

I said, "I thought I was born that way."

Clara laughed and said, "Nobody is born with the nagual's mark. The nagual's energy is lodged behind your left shoulder blade.

"Think about it. Your shoulders got out of alignment after the nagual struck you with the broom."

I had to admit that it had been around the time I had had my summer job in the drive-in theater that my mother first noticed that there was something wrong with my upper back.

She was fitting a sundress she was sewing for me and saw that it did not fit properly.

She was shocked to find that the flaw was not in the dress but in my shoulder blades. One was definitely higher than the other.

The next day she had the family doctor examine my back.

He concluded that my spine was slightly curved to one side.

He diagnosed my condition as congenital scoliosis, but assured my mother that the curvature was so slight that we should not concern ourselves with it.

Clara teased, "It is a good thing the nagual did not leave too much energy in you, otherwise you would be a hunchback."

I turned to face Mr. Abelar.

I felt the muscles in my back tense, the way they usually did when I was nervous.

I asked, "Now that you have me reeled in, what are your intentions?"

Mr. Abelar took a step closer. He fixed me with his cold stare.

He replied solemnly, "All I have wanted since the day I found you was to do the same thing I did for you that night; to open the door and chase you out.

"This time, I want to open the door of the daily world and chase you out to freedom."

His words and mood unleashed a wealth of feelings.

For as long as I can remember, I had been always searching. I looked out of windows, and peered down streets as if something or someone was around the corner waiting for me.

I have always had premonitions and dreams of escaping, although I did not know from what.

It was this feeling that had compelled me to follow Clara to an unknown destination.

And this feeling was also what prevented me from leaving in spite of the impossibility of my tasks.

As I held Mr. Abelar's gaze, an indescribable wave of well-being enveloped me.

I knew that I had at last found what I had been looking for.

Following an impulse of the purest affection, I leaned over and kissed his hand.

Out of the unsuspected depth of me, I muttered something that had no rational but only an emotional significance.

I said to him, "You are the nagual to me, too,"

His eyes were shining and happy as we had finally come to an understanding.

He ruffled my hair in an affectionate way, and all my pent-up fears and frustrations exploded in a deluge of anguished tears.

Clara got up and handed me a handkerchief.

She said, "The only way I know to get you out of this sad mood is to make you angry or to make you think.

"I am going to do both by telling you this.

"Not only did I know where to find you in the desert, but do you remember that hot, stuffy little apartment you asked me to move your things out of?

"Well, the building is owned by my cousin."

I looked at Clara shocked, and unable to utter a single word.

Clara's and Mr. Abelar's laughter was like a giant explosion reverberating inside my head.

I could not have been more surprised at anything they might have said or sprung on me.

As my initial numbness subsided, instead of becoming angry for being manipulated, I was filled with awe at the incredible precision of their maneuvering, and at the immensity of their control, which I finally realized, was not control over me but over themselves.